What I wish I'd know about egg donation, by Becky Kearns (DefiningMum)

Catching up with Becky Kearns of Defining Mum

Becky has been sharing her story of being diagnosed with POI (Premature Ovarian Insufficiency) at 28, and becoming a parent through egg donation treatment. Her honesty, passion and focus on transparent information has made her an invaluable resource for anyone considering or undergoing egg donation.

We recently caught up with Becky to what she wished she’d known before starting egg donation treatment. We hope you’ll enjoy the interview below. If you’d like to see us together in action, we’ve linked our most popular DefiningMum webinars at the bottom of this piece.

What advice would you give someone at the beginning of their egg donation journey?

Everyone is different, some will come to this decision easily, some will take great time and, for some, it may never be right. It can feel huge at the beginning of this path to parenthood, you will no doubt have many questions and many fears too - that is completely normal. Common ones being:

• "Will I feel like the 'real' mum?"

• "Will I bond with my child if we're not genetically related?"

• "What does this mean for us as a family?"

• "How might my child feel about their conception?"

• "How do I talk to others and my future child about using a donor to conceive?"

• "How do I choose a donor?"

• "Will I always feel grief around the loss of my genetics?". 

To name just a few! 

It can feel overwhelming, but what I've learned is that acceptance of this path and what it means is a process and takes time. My advice would be - be kind to yourself, reach out for support and know that you're not alone. Paths to Parenthub is a great place to explore any fears and questions and receive support from others who 'get it' in a safe, private space, all of the above questions are addressed in conversations with professionals and those with lived experience as I wanted to create everything I would have wanted and needed back when I was at the beginning of this path.

Now that I'm a parent I would say that many of these fears and questions that felt so huge in the beginning, have lessened and even disappeared over time as I've become a proud and grateful mum to our three girls. I want people to know that you can still have the family you've always wanted, what changes is the path you need to take to get there. 

“Mummy couldn’t make you with her eggs, Mummy made you with her heart”

"Mummy couldn't make you with her eggs, Mummy made you with her heart" is a phrase I use in describing how, although I wasn't able to conceive with my own eggs, I very much conceived my children in my heart and have played an important role in growing, nurturing and raising them ever since.

Is there anything you wish you'd known before starting your egg donation journey?

There are a few things I wish I'd have known before starting my journey, things that would have made me worry less. 

I wish I'd known that genetics aren't a requirement for love, that because we don't share DNA it doesn't mean our bond and love isn't as 'real'. 

I wish I'd known that talking to your child about the story of how they came to be doesn't have to be scary, but can be a beautiful moment that builds the foundations of our relationship on trust, openness and love. 

I wish I'd known that I needn't worry about being 'replaced' one day by our donor, that what I have with my children cannot be replaced and that there is room and space for both of our roles - without one taking away from the other. 

I wish I'd known that the grief around genetic loss would lessen greatly over time, with so much joy and love growing around it. 

I wish I'd known that I could still be the parent I always wanted to be.

Someone once said to me that the most difficult decision would have been the easiest, if only we knew what was waiting for us - which is so true.

I have absolutely no regrets about going down the path of using an egg donor to build my family and will be forever grateful for her as she has enabled me to have my amazing children, who I wouldn't change for the world. The only 'regret' I have from my own journey is that we used a completely anonymous egg donor, based on our circumstances and what we knew at the time. 

I wish I'd known more about the importance of our children having the option to know more about their genetic origins and have the choice to make contact one day, like is the law in the UK. Having the ability to share more information about her, paint a picture of who she is and allow them that choice is something I wish I could now have, knowing that it's common and perfectly natural for donor conceived individuals to feel curiosity about their genetic origins, without it taking anything away from our relationship. Also, I'd love to be able to thank her too!

What would you tell someone who has just found out that they need an egg donor to conceive?

Pause, seek professional support - counselling can be hugely beneficial and find peer to peer support too. As I mentioned above, Paths to Parenthub has been created to allow you to listen to conversations to better explore your feelings about becoming a parent in this way, whilst connecting with others who understand and can provide support.

 You're not alone and, although this path can come with its challenges, it can be a beautiful way of growing a family - quite literally making dreams come true. 

To see more of Becky Kearns in action:

• Read Becky’s blog takeover: How egg donation can really change a life 

• Watch ‘Discovering Egg Donation’ with Becky Kearns, Apricity and Apricity

• Hear Becky in conversation with one of our wonderful egg donors

• Get answers to the most common egg donation questions with Becky Kearns and Apricity Chief Medical Officer, Dr Luca Sabatini

To find out more about finding an egg donor with Apricity, register your interest using the link below.